Humor
Coyote V. Acme
Another New Yorker piece, in which Wile E. Coyote files suit against the Acme Corporation:
“Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote’s forelimbs to a length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote’s body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poorly designed steering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.”
(Via Kottke)
A Conversation at the Grownup Table, as Imagined at the Kids’ Table
By Simon Rich
Mom: Pass the wine, please. I want to become crazy.
Dad: O.K.
Grandmother: Did you see the politics? It made me angry.
Dad: Me, too. When it was over, I had sex.
Uncle: I’m having sex right now.
Dad: We all are.
Mom: Let’s talk about which kid I like the best.
Dad: (laughing) You know, but you won’t tell.
Mom: If they ask me again, I might tell.
Friend from Work: Hey, guess what! My voice is pretty loud!
Dad: (laughing) There are actual monsters in the world, but when my kids ask I pretend like there aren’t.
Mom: I’m angry! I’m angry all of a sudden!
Dad: I’m angry, too! We’re angry at each other!
Mom: Now everything is fine.
Dad: We just saw the PG-13 movie. It was so good.
Mom: There was a big sex.
Friend from Work: I am the loudest! I am the loudest!
(Everybody laughs.)
Mom: I had a lot of wine, and now I’m crazy!
Grandfather: Hey, do you guys know what God looks like?
All: Yes.
Grandfather: Don’t tell the kids.
Eight Ways to Not Get Hit in the Face with a Brick
Wrote this for McSweeney’s back in 2004 but it’s just as relevant today.
“If someone asks if they can hit you in the face with a brick, say no. Any other response guarantees you’ll get hit in the face with a brick.”
If a star was born in 1937, 1954, 1976 and 2018…
… the mid/late 90s Mariah Carey/Diddy R&B/hip-hop remake must have gotten lost in a time warp.
#FrasierFriday
Frasier
Well, actually, we’ve been out a couple of times. I’m really rather taken with her. She has a very playful side. She took me miniature golfing last night.
Martin
Oh, sure, when she takes you, it’s playful. When I take you, it ends up as a short story in the high school literary magazine.
Frasier
“Through the Clown’s Mouth Darkly” took second in the all-city fiction contest that year.